Blok M update, November 2003

Status report

Well, there’s sweet FA to report, really. Ramadan is well and truly upon us, and to the Reveller’s practiced eye the bars resemble rather seedy gentlemen’s clubs on ladies’ night - the guys are sedately sitting and supping, chatting sociably but quietly, while the girls, all dressed demurely, are on their best behaviour.

There are tables and chairs scattered around the bars, the counters are abandoned and forlorn. There’s no loud music or dancing, just a gentle stream of songs being played at supermarket background-music level. There are lots of girls, but something is lacking and the Reveller wanders forlornly round the bar like some latter-day Flying Dutchman.

It’s a mug’s game

One particularly impenetrable Ramadan regulation requires the bars to serve alcoholic drinks in plastic cups or beakers, so the scene in D’s Place looks a bit like a children’s party - everyone drinking from large, kludgy, coloured plastic beakers. For some arcane reason glasses and bottles are sinful, so the puritanical killjoys in the city administration have banned them. Knocking back a slug of tequila from a massive frosted blue plastic beaker is no fun at all, but it does seem to go surprisingly well with Pernod.

The rumour mill

There are a couple of interesting rumours doing the rounds in Jalan Pelatehan. The best is that a new bar-disco to replace the dear old Pentagon is on the cards - with the imminent closure of Lintas Melawai, that’s good news indeed. But the most intriguing (and difficult to pin down) rumour is that there may possibly be a place with short-time rooms for hire. Now that, as they say, would be a whole new ball game - all revellers cross their fingers and pray that this rumour acquires substance.

Going, going, gone

As Ramadan drags on, the number of girls is slowly diminishing - the Reveller comments to his comrades that it’s a bit like one of those whodunit stories, in which the guests at some remote country mansion disappear one by one until only one or two are left. The reason for this disappearing act is that many of the kampong girls are returning to the bosoms of their families in the far-flung corners of central and east Java, making their journeys well before the Id Ulfitri stampede starts in a couple of weeks’ time.

The Reveller’s Ramadan survival guide

Ramadan needn’t be the slightest bit boring. With just a little imagination and resourcefulness you can happily while away the hours - but why bother with the effort, when you can use the Reveller’s ready-made Ramadan survival guide! Here are lots of bright ideas and practical suggestions for you guys.

Practice your beer-mat flicking technique - how many can you flip and catch in a single stack? (The Reveller’s record is 22.)

Rock and wobble on your foldaway bar chair until it collapses under you.

Call the silliest, most impossible shots you can think of at the pool table.

Put the white ball down as often as you can (bonus for putting the black down at the same time.)

Look at the call lists on your handphone and try to put a name to each number.

Send an SMS message to your best mate telling him that his secret’s out.

Tell your best mate that the last girl he went with is rumoured to have a dose of the nasties.

Look for the meanest, most tight-fisted guy in the bar and ask him if he’s aware that he slipped a girl 500,000 Rupes when he was last completely plastered.

Try drinking crazy sequences of drinks and see what the result is. (The Reveller’s most recent bash was Tequila - Pernod - Campari - Carlsberg, in quick succession.)

Look round the bar and count up all the girls you’ve been with.

Look round the bar and count up all the girls you’d like to go with.

Try to remember the names of the last five girls you went with.

Spot the girls who aren’t wearing bras.

Spot the girls in tight pants who aren’t wearing knickers.

Spot the girls wearing pink knickers.

Identify the girls from Top Gun, Oscars and Lintas Melawai.

Calculate the average cost per slash (divide the previous night’s bar bill by the number of times you went for a leak).

Calculate the average cost per hangover (divide your week’s bar bill by the number of times you came round totally rat-arsed in the morning).

Get together with a bunch of your mates and see who’s got (a) the most condoms, and (b) the most Viagra pills, in his pockets. The loser buys the next round of drinks.

Announce that you’re giving a cash prize to the girl with the most creative Ramadan hard-luck story.

Epilogue

So we come to the end of this brief update, and perhaps reflect on the short-lived nature of the pleasures of this world - sic transit gloria mundi, as they say. But to look on the bright side, think of how much more we’ll appreciate all those things about Blok M that are so easily taken for granted. Ramadan makes us aware of what a unique and amazing place the Blok is.