March Diary
Blok M diary, March 2005
Just as life on earth can eke out a precarious existence in the most inhospitable and hostile of environments, so there is a small band of chaps who are Club regulars. And like the regulars of other places, they’ve got a codeword for their drinking and wenching base, to be used for insecure channels of communication. As the Melawai Hotel massage parlour is known variously as the Five Plus One or the Four Plus Two, the Club is known by some of its denizens as the Welsh Embassy.
Puzzled, the Reveller asks one of these brave and hardy souls where on earth the name comes from. "It’s the whopping great banner on the back wall", replies his companion. "You mean the red lion thingummy on the white background?", asks the Reveller. "Lion be buggered, it’s a dragon!" comes the retort. "Oh. Ah. Yes," replies the Reveller, playing for time. As he’s got a mongrel mix of Celt, tyke and Welsh blood flowing alongside the alcohol in his veins, he quickly realises the gaffe he’s committed. Pleading the excuse that he’s always well-primed before daring to venture into the Club, the Reveller admits that from hazy recollection it’s a heraldic beast of indeterminate species and is happy to stand corrected as to its being a dragon.
Carefully tucking this information away for future reference, he cannot but think that a dragon is the perfect symbol for the Club - it can be applied so appropriately to many of the ancient harpies who lurk on the Dark Side of the bar. So there you have it. Next time someone calls out "Let’s hoof it down to the Welsh Embassy!", you’ll know exactly what they mean.
Bar girl health warnings and labels
Thanks to all you guys who sent in health warning contributions. There’s a good range of original suggestions, but some are completely whacky and one or two are clearly the product of sick minds and depraved imaginations! Keep them coming.
Here’s one offering which, while too long to be a health warning printed on the front of a dress or tee-shirt, is so good that it deserves quoting in full:
WARNING
This product is exceptionally addictive, overuse can and almost certainly will lead to extreme complications, the least of which will be financial loss.
Physical side effects can include involuntary low throat growling upon observing dance floors, an inability to enter any public space in Indonesia where young females are gathered without losing all trace of previous thoughts and concern for prior business. Older users may also find occurrences of Repetitive Stress Disorder in their right hand thumbs due to the obsessive need to master the techniques of SMS, this can also be complicated by early onset of senility if they actually try to remember who exactly are ‘Fitri’, ‘Novi’, ‘Ella’ etc.
Users of this product who are already in long term relationships may develop compulsive shredding disorder and thereby lose all trace of credit card receipts and statements as well as bar and hotel bills. An ability to explain long absences is strongly recommended before indulging in this product.
The most damaging result of overuse will not be felt until the user returns to a Western country, where he can expect to experience a complete and total loss of libido in the presence of Western women.
BE WARNED!
Click here to read the rest of the health warnings and labels - including four brand-new ones!
Talking of health, some recent Australian medical research has shown that cracking cryptic crosswords, getting your end away as often as possible and going for a good long run will not only extend your lifespan, but keep you physically fit and mentally alert well into old age. Yes, dementia can be prevented.
Well, two out of three isn’t bad, reflects the Reveller, who was never much good at running and even at school invented a new track event - the three yard dash. His great hero is the Duke of Windsor, whose personal motto was "Never run when you can walk, never walk when you can ride, never stand when you can sit, and never miss an opportunity to use the loo." This ties in very neatly with the Reveller’s own personal motto, "Efficiency is applied sloth".
Looking round the bar one evening, the Reveller estimates that most of the guys meet one, a smaller number two, of the three Australian criteria. However, they’re so dedicated to the active pursuit of this one key factor that it probably covers the running component as well. It’s said that a good bonk is the equivalent of going on a five mile walk, so we’re looking at guys who are regularly doing twenty miles a week or more in Blok M. The Reveller calculates that the record must be held by a longtime Blok M regular who conservatively clocks up an average of fifty miles a week. He’s a sexagenarian (sic) - living proof that the Ozzie boffins have got it right.
Yes, the guys in Blok M are a rudely healthy lot - what the quacks describe on medical forms as "of active habits". But as he drains his drink and looks at the listless line-up of early-evening beauties in My Bar, he wishes that the same could be said of Indramayu girls.
It’s a fact of life. Whenever a gang of carousers gather with the noble aim of getting pissed and getting laid, the early evening conversation inevitably turns to the topic of what’s happening in - and more importantly, to - the bars, as we all have our pet gripes and bêtes noires. And every time one of the chaps smacks his glass down and says "Then why the feck don’t you tell the management about it?" the complainant just shrugs and says "Waste of time. They don’t want to know. While the cash rolls in, everything’s fine".
Well, here’s your chance to let the world know your personal gripes about the bars. The Reveller will collect and collate your niggles, and personally deliver copies to all the bars managers on the Blok. You can give your name or remain anonymous, as you prefer. Just type your gripe and click to go.
$your_email = "thereveller@jakartablokm.com";
$subject = "Gripes about the bars";
$empty_fields_message = "
You sent an empty form - try again!
“;
$thankyou_message = “
Thanks - your gripe has been received OK!
“;
// You do not need to edit below this line
$name = stripslashes($_POST['txtName']);
$email = stripslashes($_POST['txtEmail']);
$message = stripslashes($_POST['txtMessage']);
if (!isset($_POST['txtName'])) {
?>
}
elseif (empty($message)) {
echo $empty_fields_message;
}
else {
// Stop the form being used from an external URL
// Get the referring URL
$referer = $_SERVER['HTTP_REFERER'];
// Get the URL of this page
$this_url = "http://".$_SERVER['HTTP_HOST'].$_SERVER["REQUEST_URI"];
// If the referring URL and the URL of this page don't match then
// display a message and don't send the email.
if ($referer != $this_url) {
echo "You do not have permission to use this script from another URL.";
exit;
}
// The URLs matched so send the email
mail($your_email, $subject, $message, "From: $name
// Display the thankyou message
echo $thankyou_message;
}
?>
A 1930s Italian General, Giulio Douhet, is credited with one of the most famous aphorisms of his generation - "The bomber will always get through". Sadly, history has once again proved him right - but not in any sense that he or his contemporaries would have recognised.
We Blok M regulars all know the risk of frenzied fanatics blowing up themselves and everything around them, and it’s something that we factor into everyday living in Jakarta. We recognize that the actuarial risk of being blown to smithereens is infinitely small - far, far less than being mangled by a Metro Mini, crushed by a cab or mown down by a motorbike - but there’s something rather nasty about being unceremoniously disintegrated. It just isn’t cricket.
Now in his checkered past the Reveller has worked in such flaky places as Saudi Arabia, Yugoslavia, Algeria, Sierra Leone, Israel and Yemen - to name but a few of the world’s less than stable travel destinations. Known to many of his erstwhile colleagues as the organization’s home-grown version of the BBC’s Kate Adie, whenever he was dispatched to a new country the local staff would batten down the hatches and wait in dread for things to go pear-shaped. (And before you ask, he arrived in Jakarta just before Krismon and the civil disruption that led to the downfall of Suharto.)
The Reveller is therefore something of a connoisseur of catastrophe and fairly knowledgeable about security by virtue of extensive experience and professional training, and the advice that you find on the Blok M web site is as balanced, informative and authoritative as he can make it. So here is his unvarnished appraisal of the present state of security on Jalan Pelatehan.
Building security in Jakarta has been described by a professional risk analyst as "a bad joke", and the protection surrounding most prime targets as "leaky". We’ve all seen it - checks on vehicles entering high-profile premises that are like something out of a Keystone Kops movie, as smartly uniformed amateurs wave personal metal detectors around the boots of cars and poke mirrors on sticks underneath chassis without the remotest idea of what they’re looking for.
Good security is based on a judicious balancing of three factors - means, motive and opportunity. Security is geared to providing effective protection to persons and property consistent with the level of perceived threat and an evaluation of the competence and preparedness of known assailants. In a nutshell, it aims to reduce the opportunity for an attack - and the amount of damage that it might cause - to a point where it just isn’t worth the candle. It’s the law of diminishing returns.
The Reveller’s personal assessment of the current risk of a strike by fanatics on places like Blok M is fairly low. There are many other attractive, high-profile and easily-accessible targets all over town, and the word is that the current prime targets are the Indonesian police force and members of the judiciary involved in recent trials and prosecutions of terrorist bombers.
In this context, the present measures taken to protect Jalan Pelatehan are not bad by local standards and reflect the laudable concern of the bar owners to provide protection for their customers. But more needs to be done. What follows is the sort of hard-nosed assessment that any risk analyst worth their salt would produce if commissioned to review current arrangements and recommend ways to improve security.
The present security arrangements on Jalan Pelatehan have no more than cosmetic value. The entrance at the top of the street has a pass-through halt point manned by security guards who stop and check each incoming vehicle, but there is a glaring flaw in this set-up. A car bomb terrorist could easily mow down the flimsy "stop" sign, run past (or over) the guards, and proceed down the street unimpeded. Another ‘gotcha’ is the lack of a similar check at the bottom of the street - as though bombers would take any notice of the one-way traffic system! The only sure way to prevent car bombs getting through is to make the whole street a no-vehicle area at night, sealing off each end by concrete blocks and heavy-duty metal barriers.
Explosives-strapped individuals would find it difficult to infiltrate the Pelatehan bars as indoor security is pretty good and heavily clothed strangers are likely to be spotted and challenged immediately. But as the Israelis have found to their cost, when thwarted from getting inside their target building bombers tend to hang around the entrance until a sizeable group enters or leaves before blowing themselves up, causing massacre and mayhem in the street. The lone suicide bomber is the worst nightmare of every security professional.
Planting bombs inside the bars is the least likely scenario because it’s rare for anyone other than guys calling in on their way home from work to be carrying anything bulky, and staff are trained to look out for suspicious bags or packages. There is, though, one serious omission in all the bars - a compulsory cloakroom facility for anyone bringing in a bag or parcel.
This is another threat that presents a real danger, especially in an enclosed and crowded space. A standard UZI or similar submachine gun capable of emptying a magazine of 32 bullets at a rate of more than 900 rounds a minute could all too easily be smuggled into any of the bars. A properly supervised pass-through metal detector at the door is the only way to forestall a knife or gun attack.
He’s sure it’s a case of teaching your grandmother to suck eggs, but the Reveller’s advice for the bar owners is to take prompt steps to install doorway metal detectors and facilities for depositing bags and packages.
The question of closing the street to vehicles is problematical. Sealing it off at night will require the agreement not only of the bar owners but all the other business and building proprietors, plus the provision of a secure parking area adjacent to Jalan Pelatehan. If it’s not feasible to create a vehicle-free precinct, then at the very least put solid and effective barriers at both ends of the street. Anything else is just for decoration.
Epilogue
It’s been a mixed month down the Blok - after a bullish start the action has slumped a bit towards the end. There’ve been a few inexplicably thin nights, and even an abnormally quiet Friday night. Ah, but the Reveller has a thought - perhaps it’s connected with the financial year end, and many of the regulars are scratching their heads and hammering away at their spreadsheets in the annual circus of closing the books and tidying up loose ends in the accounts. "Been there, done that, got the bloody T-shirt!", reminisces the Reveller.
As he chugs home one wet and windy midnight, thoughts turn to the new month and all the experiences and opportunities it’s sure to bring. Whatever you may say about life in Jakarta, boring it most certainly isn’t.