Your sins will find you out

Nemesis

One of the basic tenets of criminal investigation is that a wrongdoer always leaves something behind at the scene of a crime, and always takes something away from it. Forensic science is based in large part on this humble but devastating premise.

And so it is that my good friend the Shagger is well and truly in the dog house at the moment. While the cat’s away, the mice will play, is one of those extremely dangerous little axioms that have lured many a male to matrimonial doom. Now the Shagger is a master of the seized opportunity, a man who never misses a trick in the pursuit of nooky. A brilliant strategist whose lustful activities span continents, his tactics are a model for all revellers. So it is with some dismay and a great deal of sympathy that I must relate this cautionary tale, in the hope that it might just save one of my readers from a similar fate.

Left alone for a few days to his own devices (or perhaps that should read vices), out of the noblest of philanthropic motives the dear man invites a Sweet Young Thing to share his lonely dwelling with him. The day before She Who Must Be Obeyed returns, he bids farewell to the dusky beauty who has brought a bit of sunshine into his twilight years and sets about cleaning up the house.

Making sure that the traditional giveaway signs of feminine occupancy are absent - makeup accessories, bits of jewellery, cigarette debris, long black hairs in incriminating places (and short curly black hairs in even more incriminating places), bras and panties stuffed into odd corners - he breathes a sigh of relief and settles back to play the role of the Virtuous Spouse.

Alas and alack, he overlooks one piece of utterly damning evidence in - of all places - the kitchen. Now the Shagger enjoys his Indonosh like the best of us, but he’s not a great noodle eater and doesn’t partake of the ubiquitous instant mie goreng that seems to be the staple diet of 99.9% of the Indonesian population. And this proves to be his nemesis.

Now for the 0.0009% of revellers who have never rustled up a late-night snack of mie goreng after a night on the razzle, let me explain the packaging of this culinary delicacy. Inside the plastic wrapper there’s a pad of dried noodles and two little tear-open sachets. One contains a dash of delicious little dried fried onion pieces, the other a flavouring powder. There’s also a little cut-open plastic pouch that holds a flavoured vegetable oil, a dollop of chilli sauce and a splodge of sweet soy sauce.

The smoking gun, the matrimonial casus belli, turns out to be an innocent-looking little sachet of flavouring powder in the kitchen, left by the Sweet Young Thing after making herself a quick post-coital snack. Unable to think up a plausible explanation for the presence of this damning evidence, the Shagger is accused, tried and sentenced in what must rank as one of the fastest trials in legal history.

As I listen to the relating of this tragic tale over a jar in Top Gun I commiserate with the depth of feeling that only a fellow reveller who’s been in the same predicament himself can know. When he ends this sorry saga I let out the inevitable expletive - “Fuck mie!”

Then, as if by another cruel twist of fate, into the bar walks a Sweet Young Thing who also has claims on the Shagger’s affections - and has been told by The Man that he wouldn’t be back in Jakarta until the following day. As I watch the Shagger rather messily extricate himself from this unhappy encounter I recall a quotation from Shakespeare - “It had been so with us, had we been there” - and count my blessings.

Coming clean

The journey home in my regular bajay is a rather sombre one, as I’m still reflecting on the Shagger’s downfall. I call to mind a similar event from my own colourful past, which I relate here as a warning to others.

Returning home one night after a particularly energetic Close Encounter I carefully wash all traces of lipstick from my face, stuff my gloss-smeared shirt into the bottom of the wardrobe, and have a quick shower. Alas, next morning the bath towel is found to be liberally smeared with lipstick.